New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We need to get me chipped asap
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
