When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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