I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
