i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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