My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
