She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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