He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize