2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
