don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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