i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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