I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
