Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
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