Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
