My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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