1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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