Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
