Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
