I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
