Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
