Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
