I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
