I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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