I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
