mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
