I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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