I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
