Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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