Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
