Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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