Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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