i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
