Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
