I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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