you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
