Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize