Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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