Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize