I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
