I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize