I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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