i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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