im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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