We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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