Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
