You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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