They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
