Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
