oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
