That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
