his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
