1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Send help, water and tortillas.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize