I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
