Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
