They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
