I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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