Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
