I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize