My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
