Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
