I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
