Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There r osticjed everywhere
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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