Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
