Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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