I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
