the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
