Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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