I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
